A year ago today, I remember waking up, immediately aware that I had limited hours until I needed to catch my flight back home. I quickly got packed up and ready, then went upstairs to see if anyone was awake. Mike was at the computer in the kitchen, Stacy & Ella were snoozing and Will was kicking around in his crib. I quietly greeted Mike, then tip-toed into the living room to gaze at the strong little guy. He stared back, and I can't begin to describe the look in his big, beautiful eyes--even a year later. But thankfully, it is still etched in my memory.
Will's monitor was beeping, so I was checking the numbers, connections and tubes to make sure everything looked right. It was, but he was kind of rubbing his head back and forth--looking a little restless. He started making his little cough/throat clearing noise as I stood there. I tried to comfort him by patting his tiny shoulder with two fingers, like my brother had shown me earlier in the week. His little whimper continued, so I looked through the doorway into the kitchen, hoping Mike would offer some wisdom on what to try next. He looked up from the computer and said, "Why don't you try holding him up on your shoulder?"
"Really? Do you need to help me, or can I just..."
"Go ahead, just be careful with the tubes."
I was so nervous. What if I upset Will more? What if he cries and wakes up Ella? I really want to hold him, but will he be comfortable? I don't want to make his breathing more labored...
My nervousness was met with complete peace as soon as I felt his tiny body against my shoulder. I carefully walked to the couch, and settled us in for a snuggle. He stopped coughing and whimpering as I softly patted his back and soon, fell asleep right there on my shoulder. I gently rested my cheek against his chest so I could feel every breath and and heartbeat. The emotions I still feel today are indescribable.
I wrote the following email to some of my dearest friends that evening.
I couldn't sleep, so I was clicking through some pictures of my
nieces and nephews from this past week. I wanted to send some
to you all, but just realized that I don't know how to shrink them
small enough to send in an email.
I just realized that three months ago, May 14, 2006,
I was saying goodbye to my 5-day-old niece & nephew at Children's
Hospital in D.C.. Unsure of what God was doing with Will, I walked to
his bedside, and tried to say goodbye before I made the trip back to
Iowa. I stood in the CICU with his mom and I attempted to sing a
prayer over him, but I couldn't sing more than a line. She then asked
me to pray for him with her, and again, I was speechless. I couldn't
really explain it then, and it's still tough now, but it wasn't a
sad/scared for him cry, as much as an overwhelming awe.
He was less than 48 hours out of his heart surgery and I gazed at
his little body seemingly draped with tubes and wires. Stacy moved a
covering so I could peer through the clear dressing on his chest. I
wasn't prepared for the sight of that strong heart beating in his tiny
chest. It felt holy...if that makes any sense. Even this past week,
I had moments that I felt like I was walking on sacred ground with
these two babes. I don't know how else to explain it.
My brother caught one of these moments on film this morning.
I had asked him to take a picture of Will sleeping on my shoulder, so I
could see his face and remember the moment. By the time he changed
the camera angle to include me, the tears were streaming down my face.
Oh, God, You answer! So often, in ways I couldn't imagine. Don't
let me forget! Don't let me forget the feeling of holding this
precious boy I was so afraid I'd never meet. I was so afraid! I
cried out to You, yelled, begged, "Just let me meet my nephew! Let me
hold my niece. Please!" I begged, I got angry, and I ran. And yet,
You chased me. I could feel You, but I didn't want to look.
And holding him this morning. His head bobbing a bit with every
breath. Feeling his chest against my cheek. I borrowed a little of
his strength and finally looked back at You. Can I really believe You
are who You say You are...that You can do what You say You can do?
Today, I believe. I'm in. I see You and You've won my heart.
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